By Dean Emerson,14

According to social commentators, the current generation, dubbed the “millennials,” are the least productive generation and possibly the worst ever. They claim that, despite this generation being the most educated and technologically advanced, the whole feel-good movement to build kids’ self-esteem has completely backfired, creating the most arrogant and selfish generation of all time. Like an invasive species with no predators to keep it in check, this generation has caused much inefficiency in our society due to its belief in overly high self-esteem and equality of result for everyone.
Enter the jock, high school’s natural tertiary consumers; this pre-evolved form of the human species keeps general self-esteem low through means of both direct and indirect intimidation. While these rather aggressive creatures have seen a drop in population over the past few years (due to anti-bullying campaigns and letterman jackets becoming horribly out of fashion and expensive), their resurgence is being brought about by the likes of several football and lacrosse players. At the forefront of this trend are senior athletes E.J. Audibert and Will Wykoff, paragon examples of the jock life.
“I wake up every morning and immediately put on my letter jacket. I mean, people can already tell I’m a jock just by my looks, but the letter jacket really seals the deal,” said Audibert, a three-year varsity lacrosse player. Typical jock activities include interscholastic athletics, knocking books out of innocent peoples’ hands, team showers, attempting to “woo” female counterparts, consuming seemingly unnecessary quantities of protein and, above all, lifting weights.
“I try and hit the gym twice a day, every day, minus Sunday,” noted Wykoff, both a varsity football and lacrosse player. “Saturdays, when I don’t have lacrosse or football practice, I might fit in three workouts to make up for Sunday, which I consider my day of rest. You don’t choose the jock lifestyle, it chooses you. We’re physical specimens; it’s just what we do.”
Jocks still puzzle many wildlife biologists, however. Despite the intense workout regimen put in place for most jocks, many of these scientists are finding strikingly large anatomical differences between jocks’ upper bodies and lower bodies. “We found that the upper body in some cases being two to three times larger than the lower. Some blame biology, many others blame the species’ workout regimens and diet,” said Günther Zimmerman, lead biological researcher at the H. Moore Jock Sanctuary and Research Facility in Berlin. “Additionally, the biological aggression of jocks is somewhat of a cause for concern. While the average brain size of the jock is about three-quarters the size of a human’s, a jock’s amygdala, the region linked to aggression, is three times the size of the average human.”
Students should be grateful for the revival of jocks, but should remain wary as well. “While beautiful, they are still very volatile creatures and can snap at any moment,” added Zimmerman. “If you see a herd of blue letter jackets roaming through the hall, your best survival technique in terms of fight or flight is most definitely flight.”
From a jock standpoint, the best way to avoid any bodily harm with these predators? “Respect the letter,” collectively agreed the jocks.