by Alex Porter ’13

Wednesday that the United States would continue its leadership in protecting human rights by watching the Syrian Civil War unfold and seeing what happens in a few years. The advanced democracy, famous for fighting two world wars, regularly invading countries around the globe, aiding democratic nations and arming foreign fighters in the name of freedom, will carry on this legacy by sending occasional cans of soup to the Free Syrian Army.

“Frankly, we don’t want to get involved in Syria because it looks hard. We’ve kind of made a tradition of crapping on every military we choose to fight, but these guys have tough friends. To the people striving for freedom from a brutal dictator: good luck! We’re rooting for you, just from over here on the sidelines,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. The war has killed tens of thousands of Syrians, and involves the government possibly attacking rebels and civilians with chemical weapons. An official State Department memo stated that the Syrians will “sort it out” eventually, channeling America’s typical interventionist spirit.

As the UN released a new civilian casualty estimate, Secretary of State John Kerry reminded citizens that this war looks pretty complicated and cannot be understood in terms of black and white, so screw it, we’re sitting this one out. “Oh well,” added Kerry at a later interview.

Ghassan Hitto, the provisional Syrian National Coalition prime minister, voiced mixed feelings on the bold U.S. move to not make bold moves. “I am thrilled that the western imperialists will not involve themselves in our domestic affairs. This is a Syrian issue, and we do not need the U.S. and European Union taking advantage of our crisis to gain more access to Middle Eastern resources. At the same time, I am beyond outraged that the American hypocrites will sit on the side and watch innocent people die. There should be a full-scale invasion to protect us,” said Hitto.