Q: What do Madonna, Dick Cheney, Whitney Houston, Prince Charles, Ted Kennedy, Jay-Z, Al Gore and Bill Clinton have in common?

A: Yes that’s right; they’re members of the Illuminati!

by Diana McDermott ’13

I am scared just writing this article. One of them might read it and come for me. What I am about to tell you is a dangerous secret.

The power outage during Super Bowl XLVII was planned. The Illuminati was pulling the strings the whole time! If you were watching closely, you would have noticed that singer Beyoncé flashed the secret symbol during her performance; about 20 minutes later, it was lights off. The blissfully ignorant mind would not have made the connection, but I am among the few that are observant of these things.

You might be asking, who are the Illuminati? Well no one knows exactly. What we do know is that they are a complex group of intelligent, rich, powerful elites … and rappers. They are Satanists and their daft religious practices are comparable only to the Freemasons and Teutonic Knights. These black-hearted Satanists band together to form an authoritarian government called the New World Order. Yes, that is right: the Illuminati hope to take over the world.

They are dangerous. Their initial reaction to handling problems is to buy off people, because they are all very wealthy. If that doesn’t work … well, we won’t mention what happens then. Let’s just say Tupac, Whitney Houston and JFK didn’t just keel over for nothing. Oh come on! You didn’t pick up on the fact that just when Blue Ivy Carter (daughter of Lum members Beyoncé and Jay-Z) was born, Whitney Houston ended up dead in a bathtub? They had to get rid of her to make room for a new member.

I’m not telling you these things to scare you, I am telling you to open your eyes so you won’t fall victim to the New World Order.