by William Keilsohn ’13

To: County Service Unit # 877241

From: Department Service Unit # 003235

Subject: Quarterly Progress Report # 03

Transmission:

As of February 14, 2013 it can be reported that this department of the Ministry of Learning has made considerable gains in achieving the countywide goal of eliminating the looming threat of originality and the heresy of the nonconforming, and therefore imperfect, student unit. Instructive units have made thorough use of Brother Montgomery’s corrective curriculum.  They have found that the most successful portions of the curriculum are T.O.N.E. (Thorough Optimization of Nonconformist Eradication) and M.O.O.D. (Methodical Organization of Originality Destruction). The benefit of these reformation techniques is that T.O.N.E. and M.O.O.D. program student units to not think or express their own thoughts, but instead to think and regurgitate those of literary units more referred to by student units as “authors”. In addition to simply eliminating free and original thought from the minds of student units, T.O.N.E. and M.O.O.D. also make the minds of student units soft and weak. Their weak minds are more malleable and, as current evidence would suggest, more accepting of the ideas and thoughts that were selected by Brother Montgomery as being proper and appropriate for the minds of student units. These student units, whom have been adequately molded by Brother Montgomery’s curriculum, are, in all respectable sense of the word, perfect. They do not question Brother Montgomery, and understand that he is love and compassion.  They also no longer hold on to such childish and immature thoughts as “morals” and “reason”. Instead these student units double think correctly and in perfect cooperation with Brother Montgomery. The most successful of the student units under this department’s supervision stand ready to defend Brother Montgomery, when he calls upon them to do so after graduation.

English Department #300 has also made considerable use of the literature supplied by the Ministry of Learning in its active shaping and crafting of student units into the citizen units desirable by Brother Montgomery. These books, as one is aware, I am sure, are appropriately depressing. They speak only of the horrid and vulgar side of citizen units, while invoking a response that weakens the emotional standing of the minds of student units. In our more successful student units, the books completely demolish all happiness from their lives. This makes the students more accepting of Brother Montgomery and his uplifting, and loving messages. Occasionally, the crippling nature of these books does break a student unit. In those cases, while suicide is not at all supported, it is not exactly frowned upon. When these events occur, the department simply chooses to focus on the more fit, surviving individuals. These have also been minor setbacks with not all student units breaking enough under these books. These student units receive proper reeducation. Unfortunately, it appears as if more and more of the student units are beginning to require reeducation. Therefore, this department is including in the progress report, a form for the request of acquiring more depressing and more suppressive books, that will coerce more student units in to following Brother Montgomery’s proper path. Please do not consider this department to be greedy or flawed due to this request; instructive units only look to further the elimination of independent and nonconformist thoughts in the minds of student units. They are not incompetent instructive units; they are merely looking to receive tools necessary for improvement.

In brief, English Department #300 of the Ministry of Learning is pleased to report that as of February 14, 2013 it has made considerable gains in reaching the countywide goal of eliminating and thereby replacing inappropriate and unregulated thoughts in the minds of student units. The department has made use of the curriculum standards and supplied Brother Montgomery approved selections in achieving this goal. This department will continue to implement such devices in the future as it reforms and corrects the minds of student units. End Transmission.