Witty humor to expose people’s stupidity and vices, submitted by AP Lit students

by Emma Poe-Yamagata ’13
AP Lit Student

Dear Diary,

Today was the best day OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. So I was walking to second period, texting myself as usual. I find a conversation with myself very much preferable to making eye contact with every repulsive fool who ogles me in the hallway– this way, I look extra cool because it looks like I have friends who have something so important to tell me that it can’t wait until later, and I avoid getting my corneas destroyed by the hideousness of all the guys in this school. So I was just minding my own business, chuckling at a joke I had just made, when BAM! Someone rams right into me and makes me drop all my stuff. Like WTH? What happened to looking where you’re going?

Just as I’m about to go off on this jerk, I look up and… OMG. I’m staring right into the eyes of the hottest guy to have walked this planet. I’m pretty sure I died and went to heaven because only angels look this good. Of course, I completely blank out like a total freak– I was basically drooling. Luckily, however, he didn’t seem to notice the fact that I had lost complete control of all my mental abilities. He just smiled at me with this huge, flawless smile. And then he apologized in this deep Old-Spice-Guy-voice. At least I think he was apologizing. For all I know, he could have been singing the Barney song; I was so distracted by his magnificence. But then he did the cutest thing ever! He picked up my books and gave them to me– what a sweet guy! And as he handed me the last one, our hands gently touched. It was like an electric spark traveled directly from his heart to mine; that hand is never getting washed again.

The rest of the day went by in a haze. I couldn’t think about anything but my mystery man. He was SO HOT. And SO NICE. And I was SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. But I knew I had to act fast if I wanted to make us work. Whenever new meat hits the town, all the girls come running, teeth bared and claws sharpened. Ugh–they are all such animals. I needed a plan of attack.

After several periods of intense strategizing, I had devised the perfect one to land my man. It was simple, yet bulletproof. There was no way it could fail. Tomorrow, walking to second period, I would just have to “accidentally” bump into him again. I guess the only possible glitch in the system, was, this time, I would have to stay in control of all mental faculties and actually talk to him…

Well, it turned out I didn’t need this clever plan anyway because… he was in my eighth period! I almost had a heart attack when he walked into Mr. Stein’s economics class. My heart definitely skipped a beat or stopped or something. AND THEN HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME. O-M-G. #greatestmomentofmyentirelife. I could barely breathe. It was so incredible.

So, it’s sufficient to say that I did not hear anything Mr. Stein said the entire period. Even his insistent “Anyone? Anyone?” couldn’t penetrate the indestructible haze of love between me and my man. I stared at him for the entire class, trying to memorize his features so that I could write about them now. His glowing, golden locks that I (want to) run my fingers through. His deep blue eyes that I (want to) swim in all day long. His big, beautiful biceps that (I want to) hold me tight. (Soon the parenthetical inserts will prove superfluous).

And sometimes, he would look back at me! His glances reminded me of the ones I give the freaks in the hallways, but I know that he was just trying to hide his true feelings for me. Guys are so shy like that, you know?

He is so beautiful he makes anyone that I ever thought even remotely attractive look like hideous gremlins that should go into hiding. His compassionate personality puts the biblical saints to shame. I think about him all the time. OMG I just love him so much it hurts. It drives me crazy. But I know that we will be together soon. And that we will get married one day, too. Because he is my mystery man, and we are meant for each other.

Sigh. I can’t wait to be Mrs. ______ __________.

Thanks for keeping my secrets.

<3 Emma