by Alex Porter ‘13

After a disappointing first term, Americans who anticipated an Armageddon to accompany President Obama’s time in office are ready to give him another shot. Without the looming specter of reelection, the paranoid who await the end of days hope that the president will bring the doomsday they were promised.

America’s first black, Muslim, non-citizen, lizard antichrist was elected four years ago, with a public eagerly anticipating the unearthly disasters he would deliver unto the Earth. “Instead of rending this country apart, all he’s done is made healthcare mandatory. That’s nice and controversial or whatever, but I expected the streets to run with blood,” said one fearful Clint Paul of Kansas City, Missouri.

“I think the president has been given a mandate; that crazies around the country expect something big this term, a more active summoner of evil. Many Americans voted against Obama, but retain hope that he will hasten the rapture’s arrival. These constituents demand results,” explained Lucius Gordon, fellow at the American Conspiratorial Institute. “Voters chose diabolic values, and the president’s commitment to reality over asylum-worthy doomsday fantasies over the first term has been greatly disheartening.”

Supporters cite increased chaos in the Middle East, birthplace of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, as evidence of Obama’s compact with the devil. Also, while fire does not rain from the skies in America, God’s favorite country, Obama has brought it to many others with unmanned bombings. “No wonder his approval rating is higher overseas than it is at home,” quipped Ulysses Wilson, a small business owner in Albany who genuinely anticipates a Biblical crisis to erupt in the next four years. Wilson has never read the Bible, and preferred drawing in the holy book when he last attended church service at 11 years old.

Others believe politicians can only act within the plane of reality, but this is becoming increasingly unpopular.