by Andrew Wasik ‘13, A special to The Warrior 

Wasik, stunned by his own glory. photo by Paul Szewczyk '12.

 BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I wake up at exactly 12:01 in the afternoon. I look to my left and I see an old yogurt container filled with ketchup. To my right is a wild Snorlax snoring and munching on my foot. I realize I don’t know where I am and I’m scared. My Scooby Doo costume is on the floor and there is whipped cream all over my favorite pants … well, I guess it’s now time to start the day. I go down stairs and there is an entire family chained down to a couch. They are screaming in a strange dialect what I assume are profanities. I ignore them and go to the coffee machine to have a fresh brew. I then realize there is a cat in the coffee machine. I scratch that idea and walk out of the house.

It is a beautiful summer day and the birds are abuzzin’ and the bees are aflyin’. Walking down the road I pass two unicorns playing in a drainage ditch, slurping up industrial run-off from a nuclear power plant … maybe that’s why they are unicorns? Nah, that can’t be it. So I keep walking and eventually end up at my house.  There is toilet paper everywhere and a horse and carriage up 20 feet in my tree.  I think “YES!” it must have been an awesome party. I am suddenly hit in the back of the head with a large, blunt object.

I wake up later and look at a large beard; it’s brother Mordechia. That explains the horse and carriage in my tree. I apologize to him and he takes a pound cake as reimbursement for his horse. Looking at my watch, I realize it’s time to go home. I walk inside and immediately see my best friend, Mary Katherine Nolan, trapped in a mime-made- box. I laugh and refuse to help her. I keep walking and see the entire original cast of “The Goonies” passed out asleep in my bath tub. This party must have been the greatest thing ever. In my bed room, Doogie Howzer M.D., Chuck Norris and Burt Reynold’s mustache are all cuddling. Of course I join in. When I wake up I decide to go downstairs, where I find a portal to the seventh dimension with fire coming out. Two owls are ripping apart the paper clip dude that helps you out in Microsoft Word. There is a pool of green colored super lava.

I call up my girlfriend Devin Cornfelius and am all like “Ey babe tryna get yo Mongolian BBQ on?” She responds with “Heck yes.” I ride on Falcor, the dragon from the “Never Ending Story” and she rides on a Norwegian Ridgeback. We sit down but get caught just staring into each other’s eyes for three hours … we never even ordered. When I take her home she kisses me on the cheek. My cheek now has a heart on it. I go home and cuddle with the Snorlax (that’s now wearing Burt Reynold’s Mustache) until I fall asleep. Today was a good day.