Dear Nancy,

My English teacher hates me! I try so hard to pay attention and be quiet in class, but she always yells at me. Plus, she gives me awful grades on all my essays.

-Enemy of English

 

Dear Enemy of English,

When I think way back to my high school days, I seem to recall that the students who drew ire from their teachers generally acted in a manner deserving of such. While you may not realize any indiscretions (and I’m sure you’ll deny them), I’d guess that your in-class behavior has been less than stellar. Luckily, I tend to believe that teachers are not as hateful or vengeful as your opening exclamation suggests. With a little effort, you could easily earn your way into your teacher’s good graces.

You claim that you are trying to pay attention, but I fear that your teacher may not yet be privy to the “new you.” In that case, you need to make a more noticeable gesture. To show her that you care, I’d suggest requesting relocation to the dreaded front row. At the very least, your new position will force you to be quiet. If your teacher adheres to a rigid seating chart, do not despair. Prior to class, a quick application of aerosol to the face will leave you squinting, and your teacher will feel obligated to bring you closer to that board.

A move to the front row, however, is not one to be taken lightly. Before making the purgatorial transition, consider whether you can handle the sacrifices of increased scrutiny. From here on out, it will be much more difficult for you to desk-doodle, glance at neighbors’ tests or send text messages. Another thing to consider, if you have English early in the morning, is if you can do without using those 46 minutes to finish math or science homework. In short, no one likes sitting in the front row, but it may be necessary to stanch Edline’s flow of poor essay grades.

In the end, you may actually learn something. Even Holden Caulfield had a good relationship with one of his teachers, but I think that I’m getting ahead of myself. You are still in the dawn of your English class reformation, and I assume you’ll need SparkNotes to decipher that allusion.

-Nancy

Dear Nancy,

My parents won’t let me get a Facebook. All of my friends have one and i feel like I’m always getting left out. How can I change their minds?

-Offline

 

Dear Offline,

I too have been banned from Facebook ever since my husband found out I had reconnected with a poke-happy old flame, but I’ll try to be of service. First things first, in any parental feud, steer clear of the phrase “all of my friends.” As parents, it is our crotchety nature to call you on your hyperbole. The age-old conversation invariably ends with you listing all of your friends only to hear a variation of “well, I’m not all your friends’ parent.” Your ensuing pouts will only fuel their delight.

As for changing their minds, it may not be too difficult as Facebook really isn’t that harmful of a website. See if any of their friends have an awkward old-person Facebook. Older generation Facebook users tend to have very non-threatening profiles. For one, their profile pictures are always nice family photographs that mandatorily feature at least one striped polo. This will be much more reassuring than one of your friends who thinks that he is real cunning with that blurred out can in his hand. Even better, the newsfeed of a parent will always be filled with insipid status updates from other elder Facebook inhabitants. The closest that they will come to using a vulgarity is purchasing a donkey in Farmville. Your parents may be concerned with your eagerness to join in on such dull pursuits, but at least their Chris Hanson-induced fears should be alleviated.

-Nancy

 

Dear Nancy,

Next year, one of my gal pals wants to be my roommate in college. I really like her, but I was looking forward to having the opportunity to meet new people. How do I tell her this?

-Roomie Ruminations

 

Dear Roomie Ruminations,

First off, I’m not too sure that you should tell her this. While it appears that you’ve stacked the “pro” column of the ‘stranger over buddy’ chart, I fear you may have overlooked the negative aspect of a random roommate. This idealized vision of sharing a bunk bed with the big lady on campus is, I suppose, possible, but wholly unlikely. You have to consider the option of being paired with a person who does one or more of the following: produces a pungent odor, breathes through her mouth or even carries out the unsavory practice of toenail clipping without the necessary receptacle.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to get at can be summed up with the idiom “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” You’ve already established that you like this poor sucker who you don’t want to room with, so why not give it the old college try. It sure beats toenails.

-Nancy