Dear Nancy,

I really want to go trick-or-treating this year, but everyone tells me I’m too old. I’ve gone every year and I don’t see why I can’t now.

-Teen Trick-or-Treater

 

 

Dear Teen Trick-or-Treater,

In many respects, trick-or-treating for kids your age has had a similar fate as the beeper: both have had less-than-savory implications predicated upon them by the nefarious actions of a few souls. Do not despair yet, though. Doctors still use beepers, and similarly, it may be OK for you to continue your door-to-door pursuit of free candy.

The trick-or-treating aspect of Halloween is generally reserved for young children, but they bring with them an important demographic: chaperones. Ideally, if you, or a friend, have a younger sibling you could escort them as your excuse for partaking in the October 31 exodus. Suddenly, your actions would go from suspicious to commendable. The parents you’ll encounter will hold you as an exemplar of responsibility and you will avoid the distrustful glares you would have otherwise faced.

Unfortunately, at least one child in every family is the youngest, and if that is you, you don’t have this option. There are still several ways, though, that you can make the trek sans child. At this age, you can no longer get by with “dressing as yourself” or just throwing on a wig. Instead, you are going to have to go all out in terms of your costume. While passers-by might think you have issues for putting so much stock into a child’s holiday, at least they wont suspect you of trying to “egg” their children.

Let us not forget, however, the tricking nature of the day. By combining cunning with costumes, you may be able to convince nay-sayers that you do in fact adhere to the traditional Halloween roles. If you or a friend looks particularly old, try your darndest to dress like an adult. Then, have a short friend hide behind the guise of a mask and people may naturally assume that you are parent and child.

-Nancy

 

 

Dear Nancy,

I have no idea what to write for my college essays. Honestly, I think I’m like the most boring person ever.

-Writer’s Blocked

 

 

Dear Writer’s Blocked,

With the dearth of information you’ve provided me, I really can’t say much in terms of what specifically you should write. It is important to remember, though, that college admissions committees know just as little about you as I do. You may honestly be like the most boring person ever, but on paper you can be whatever you like. Now I’m not saying you should lie, but you dress yourself up to appear more attractive, so why not dress up your accomplishments in the same manner?

Maybe you’ve babysat before. Not anymore; no, you’ve conducted research on the cognitive development of toddlers. All of your activities can be exaggerated in a similar fashion. Even if you have no possible leads in this category, it is not too late. There is still time for you to join a club, and who’s to say that you haven’t been a member for four years? Not that that would be moral.

Essay topics, however, don’t have to even deal with an extracurricular. With a little examination, you can find meaning in nearly anything. Think back to any vacations you’ve taken, the local beaches perhaps. Now, I know you just layed out in the sun and hit the boardwalk with friends, but there’s no reason that the issue of dune and beach erosion couldn’t have sparked your interest in the environmental sciences.

-Nancy

 

 

Dear Nancy,

People always ask me for rides to and from school. I don’t know how to say no, but it is so annoying.

-Morgan Freeman

 

 

Dear Morgan Freeman,

Ah, equal woe falls upon the first licensed driver in a group and those who have the largest cars. The car-less will demand transportation and avoid feeling guilty since, to them, your position is an envious one. As you acquire more passengers, you will be forced to leave earlier and deal with increasing conflict over your choice of radio stations. Alas, 108 doesn’t even have an HOV lane.

Since you seem to be concerned with the feelings of people who have reduced you to little more than a bus driver, I have a few ideas for mediating the situation without stepping on, or driving over, anyone’s toes.

In Maryland, new drivers can’t have passengers for five months. While this is ultimately going to be a bother, it can stave off would-be riders for nearly half a year, while you pretend to have “soooo strict” parents. If you’ve already graduated from this legally imposed haven, lie. I’m well into middle-age and I still tell the occasional moocher that I’d love to drive them but unfortunately haven’t had my license for five months.

Perhaps, though, you are too shy for even this explanatory confrontation. Luckily, there are more passive aggressive means of dissuading passengers. People just aren’t going to ask to ride in a car known for playing talk radio, not having air conditioning or smelling like feet.

-Nancy