submitted to Jared Schwartz ‘18
Dear Warrior Staff,
As a long-time reader of your esteemed newspaper, I am extremely concerned with your paper’s stance on global warming. With the closing of the winter months, many people, including scientists, have expressed the false belief that global warming has somehow caused this winter to be unusually warm. In fact, they seem to believe that winter disappeared altogether. However, I have conducted an experiment and definitively disproved the existence of global warming.
In December, I tested the hypothesis that global warming ended winter, so I took a trip to Minnesota to see if it was warm enough to swim. However, when I tried to dive into a lake, I cracked my skull open on ice. Clearly, science lied to me. If global warming was real and winter did not exist, the lake would not frozen over. Despite their talk about the “scientific method,” scientist have blatantly ignored my empirical evidence that proves that winter did occur this year and that global warming does not exist. I’m still waiting for Neil Degrasse Tyson to pay for my hospital bills.
Apparently winter will start again in June in the Southern Hemisphere this year. That’s right, the Southern Hemisphere will experience winter TWICE in one year. According to so-called “scientists,” we need to stop global warming or Antarctica will melt, killing all the penguins who live there. Last time I checked, Antarctica is in the Southern Hemisphere, and since the Southern Hemisphere will experience two winters this year, it is ridiculous to argue that Antarctica could melt. If anything, we should worry about global cooling. If the Southern Hemisphere continues to have two winters a year, all the oceans there will freeze, and penguins will be unable to access fish, their main food source.
Donald Trump is correct that global warming is a hoax created by the Chinese, who have bribed scientists to spread their propaganda. The Chinese have perpetuated the myth of global warming to cover up the true threat to the survival of penguinkind: global cooling. Think about it: the national animal of China is the giant panda. Pandas are black and white. Penguins are black and white. Clearly, if penguins went extinct, China would have a monopoly on cute black and white animals. Thus, worldwide zoos would be forced to outsource the role of the cute black and white animals to Chinese pandas without any competition, eventually leading to China’s global economic domination.
President Trump has done a great job resisting the lie of global warming. However, he has yet to fully address the dire ecological crisis of global cooling. America needs to lead the fight against Chinese propaganda. Therefore, I plead that you encourage your readers to throw out their refrigerators, keep their heating on at all times, start forest fires, and contact their local representatives to raise the temperature of the Earth. Together, we MUST stop China’s plot for world domination.
Sincerely, Alex Jones