by Ziv Golan ‘26

The Trump Administration works tirelessly every single day to show up for the American people. As a way of building transparency with the public, a few administration officials have written out a day in their lives:

RFK Jr. (Secretary of Health and Human Services)
“As one of the foremost professionals in America’s medical field, I of course wake up every morning to nature’s ice bath, taking a dip in the beautiful brown water of Washington DC’s Rock Creek. Pro tip: think of the raw sewage as bath toys and all will be well! After my refreshing swim, I go home to a nice breakfast consisting of raw cow liver and beef intestine, the entire food pyramid represented in a single meal. After breakfast, I must apply my daily beef tallow ointment and inject a nice serving of steroids to feed my ever-growing mind. Follow this routine, and you can be as healthy as me!”

Kristi Noem (Homeland Security Secretary)
“As America’s leading border protector, I cannot be seen eating any of these “ethnic” foods. Casadillas, Borittos, Tacoes– all of that is out of the question. My breakfast every morning is a pound of raw hamburger meat, a real AMERICAN meal. After eating, I go to work on a daily ICE patrol. I park outside of a local elementary school, looking for shifty 7-year olds to pick up off the street. This country was built on 67 year old American men, and it must stay that way. To close out the day, I return to my platform where I plug myself back into the ballroom wall for the night, excited for another day as a minion!”

Pam Bondi (Attorney General)
“I wake up every morning at 3 a.m. to head straight to Capitol Hill, megaphone in hand, ready to berate elected officers as they arrive at work. Anyone who questions my tactics gets body slammed and choked out, no exceptions. After this, I go to my office where I take a spin of my wheel of Democrats to decide who I will charge next. All enemies of our glorious president must be put in their place. To wrap up my day, I call Supreme Leader Trump while kicking my feet in the air to receive my orders for the next day.”

JD Vance (Vice President)
“I wake up at 8 p.m. for a busy day of getting booed at and serving my bff Donald. He tells me the boos are just a sign of endearment, and this kind of inspiration is why I keep his poster up on my wall– much better than the Backstreet Boys. After waiting on Donnie for dinner, he finally lets me go out for my daily walk. On the walk, I encounter a squirrel, which I chase through the park. I call that a win! Following my walk, I return to the Oval Office, where Don Don gives me a treat for being a good boy. After my long, hard day of work, I curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Damn, I forgot to check in with my wife and kids again!”

Stephen Miller (Presidential Advisor)
“As I lay awake at night in my coffin, I consider what diabolical plans to institute next. I read my daily affirmation, a statement from Project 2025, to get me all riled up. On my walk to the office I tear down as many “woke” posters I can find. Peace for all, Anti-Murder– none of these movements have a place in Trump’s America! As I arrive at the office, I kiss the picture hanging of Emperor Trump, promising him another day of greatness. Some people like to read the sports scores from the day before, but there is nothing that I enjoy more with my lunch than seeing the daily numbers of how many people got deported.”