by Declan Rooney ’25

As Donald Trump was sworn into office on January 20, top Democratic officials met at a luxurious resort in Cancun, Mexico to discuss their plans to blow the 2028 election. After the meeting’s conclusion, top figureheads from the party such as 2024 Presidential Candidate Kamala Harris emerged to give a speech about hope or whatever.

“Don’t lose your belief in a brighter future,” Harris began. “Sure, we lost nearly everything to the man I called Hitler a few months ago, but the northern star guides us and the essence of America, something something compassion and love.”

Harris then kicked back in a beach chair, sipping a margarita and started talking unscripted. “Your lives are gonna be miserable for the next four years, just absolutely garbage, filthy depressing lives,” she continued. “That really is a shame. Yeah, can I also get a refill on this?”

“GOOD MORNING NORTH DAKOTA,” yelled Biden, cheerfully smiling at a brick wall with his back towards the press. “My uhh wife uhhhhh Jill. She uhhh she her she uh, and that’s what uhh that’s why, that’s because America!” After saying this, he tripped and rolled down the beach.

Tim Walz also spoke. “Yeah this could be the end of democracy as we know it, but hey, did you see that 2 for $10 deal at NAPA auto parts? That really was something.” A reporter posed a good question. “Gov. Walz, how do you plan to protect Minnesotans from the Trump administration’s policies?” “Welp, I’m gonna do my best to protect our citizens, but what we really need to worry about is people going too darn slow in the fast lane,” Walz replied as Biden played Block Blast on his phone behind him.

Senator Bernie Sanders did not attend, instead issuing a short statement online. It read, “I hate my stupid Socialist life.”

Instead of blandly talking about hope, peace, or whatever else for the thousandth time, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from New York took the time to actually attack the opposition.”Trump is a fascist,” she said shortly before Harris tried to run onto the stage and muzzle AOC. “That rhetoric is exactly why we lost,” said Harris. “We cannot afford to further alienate fascist/sexist/racist/xenophobic votes!”

“What we need is an older, balder, more moderate, white guy who just adores Israel,” commented Senator John Fetterman while wearing a shirt that read, “Guess who has two thumbs and loves Israel? This guy!”