HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Aries — After a long period of isolation, the voices in your head now have faces to match. Why not befriend them and extend your social circle?

Taurus — You’re remarkably resilient. This will come in handy if/when a medieval torturer spawns in your household and decides to test out the rack. Cheer up–you may gain a few inches in the spine area.

Gemini — When faced with difficult choices, your gut feeling is often correct. Which is why you should 100% spend your entire college fund on a digital ape.

Cancer — Your desire to stay constantly in motion will be beneficial: there’s an 0.2% chance that the zombie apocalypse will occur later this month. I hope you like running.

Leo — Instead of therapy, consider taking out all your negative emotions on your loved ones and permanently alienating yourself from your friends.

Libra — It’s important to remember to do things for yourself. This could be anything from treating yourself to coffee to establishing a military dictatorship over a third-world country.

Virgo — If you find yourself stuck in a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf, I’d suggest just setting both of them up to give yourself an easy out.

Scorpio — Much is happening this week. You may receive a message that could change the trajectory of your life, either romantically or familially. The only way to avoid this is by faking your death, so you should go ahead and stage a tragic car accident.

Sagittarius — You may be making improvements to your lifestyle at this time, probably technological in manner. Double-check every new electronic device that enters your house: it’s only a matter of time before the FBI figures out how to wiretap you for good.

Capricorn — If you’re wondering if everyone hates you, the answer is yes.
Aquarius — Go ahead and ignore your teachers in class. You can definitely google the answers to your unit test the day of.

Pisces — Take comfort in the fact that even if you know absolutely nothing, there’s always someone else (also a Pisces) who knows even less.