(not) exactly news: March 2022

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

Relief Fund Started For Teen Victims Of NFTs

Though the members of Sherwood’s NFT Club joined with high hopes, three weeks later, their dreams have come to a crashing halt as every single one of the club’s fourteen members has lost over $50,000 individually. Sherwood’s SGA is now creating an emergency relief fund to help the bereft NFT club members and their families. “It’s about supporting the community,” said a representative of the Sherwood SGA. “We can’t hold them accountable for their actions: how were they supposed to know that emptying out their entire college funds and putting their parents in thousands of dollars of credit card debt would be a bad idea?”

As Sherwood prepares for spring break, almost a thousand dollars has been raised in bake sale profits, all of which (minus a small stipend to the PTA) will go to the victims. Sherwood counselors are working with students to reevaluate their college plans, and as of now, only some half a million dollars of debt remain.

‘I’m Not Addicted To Games’ Game-addict Pleads

His wrists growing sore, his vision tunneling and getting blurry as he tapped his phone screen to defeat the latest boss level, Marylander Glenn Rodriques once again reiterated that he wasn’t addicted to games. Sources close to Rodriques report that the man was thirteen hours into a twenty-hour grind session on one of the twenty gacha fighting games clogging his phone’s storage. His sobbing wife had attempted to serve him divorce papers no less than three times, but Rodriques simply took the papers and used them to mop up the oily sweat on his fingers so that he could maintain maximum skin-to-screen contact. At press time, he had developed an acute case of carpal tunnel syndrome, yet furiously maintained that he “could log off anytime he pleased, in fact. Just not right now.”

Customer Service Industry Confused By Worker Shortage

In stores and at restaurants, wait times are getting longer, service quality is going down, and job offers are flowing out the door. The reason? Lack of integrity. “I just don’t understand why everyone keeps quitting,” said manager Jenny McRobins. “Shouldn’t people practically be lining up for thirteen dollars an hour and no job security?”

McRobins, who manages a chain fast-food restaurant, lamented the almost instantaneous turnover rate and attributed it to the lazy employees. “These days, it’s almost impossible to find anyone willing to endure months or even just weeks of senseless abuse without them giving up and moving onto the next dead-end job,” McRobins complained, noting that she had become increasingly more frustrated by people’s increasing willingness to tip her employees out of gratitude for working on the front lines during a pandemic. “Are you kidding me?” McRobins said dismissively. “It’s not like people’s lives are in danger … well they are, but not really.” McRobins reportedly perked up noticeably when she realized that one of her employees had handed a customer a cup that was one size larger than they had ordered.

Spring Break In The Slammer

Fed up with the rampant rule-breaking of Sherwood students, Sherwood security guards are starting their own ‘Scared Straight’ program. For the duration of the spring break, five rebellious Sherwood students will be locked inside the building 24/7 with a small group of actual convicted criminals.

The school administration assures that there will be safety protocol in place to protect the convicts from the students, who all have lengthy criminal records–ranging from skipping classes and loitering in the halls, to actually leaving campus entirely during lunch. The security guards will stay in constant contact with the convicts to ensure that all goals are being met: by the end of ten horrific days, the students will emerge–no longer juvenile delinquents–to rejoin society as law-abiding citizens.

If the program meets with success, a school administrator may meet with the Board of Education to discuss extending the program to the entire school.