Abnormal Advice: Reloaded

by Ben Schoenberg ‘24

Dear Benjamin,
Lately, my math teacher, “Ms. Smith,” has spent most of class sharing her family drama with us. I feel bad, since she is clearly dealing with intense trauma – Ms. Smith’s mother cheated on her husband with Ms. Smith’s own husband! But, I’m also failing Geometry. How do I provide emotional support while conveying that I need to learn math!?
– Not A Therapist

Dear Not A Therapist,

To me, it sounds like your math teacher is extremely selfish and doesn’t care about education and its value in our society. As a math teacher, you accept the responsibility of educating the youth on the genre of math. With great power comes great responsibility, and “Ms. Smith” has ignored this great power to instead waste time worrying about her menial inconveniences. She clearly needs to get her priorities straight and reconsider her choice to work as a teacher in a time where many hard-working and respected teachers are losing their jobs. You have to tell her straight up that she needs to shut up and do geometry stuff because she is “Ms. Smith” the geometry teacher, not the drama teacher.


My girlfriend and I have been Covid-safe dating for the past two months. We go on outdoor dates with a 6-foot rope to keep us apart and always wear masks.
Last night, after much agony and
discussion, we decided to break the rules once and for all and take our masks off to kiss. I realized I had never seen her face before, but she looked beautiful. However, before we could even get to the kiss, my girlfriend turned away and told me to put my mask back on. Does she think I’m ugly? Should I be worried?
– Mask Up

Dear Mask Up,
Better safe than sorry, as they say, and it seems like you should’ve continued keeping it safe. To me, it sounds like by wearing your mask you were making the right decision. Covid can be contained but ugliness can’t. Maybe your girlfriend could have been a little more diplomatic, but her bluntness is a valuable trait in a relationship. Honesty is the best policy, and the honest truth is that your girlfriend thinks you’re ugly. Time for you to also be truthful about your feelings and boldly point out one of her shortcomings in the name of Covid safety.


Dear Benjamin,
Yo dawg, I keep getting my skateboard confiscated, so I can never shred in the halls! My bogus teacher keeps taking it and hiding it somewhere in the room! Any other way to glide?
– Skater Brah

Dear Skater Brah,
I totally understand, the skateboard isn’t just a vehicle, it’s a way of life. If your teacher can’t catch your drift, then their wave is lost. But if you’re in search of a new slick mode of transportation, I heard that surfing the internet is totally in! By simply connecting a technological device of your choice to Sherwood’s high-speed internet, you’re in for a hell of a ride. As you pass by all of your classmates, using the device that slows them down to go faster, you will realize that you’re way cool and they are not. Time will be your oyster as you can now quickly traverse the busy and crowded hallways of Sherwood using your 21st-century solution.


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