HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ’23

In a press conference last weekend, Mark Zuckerberg, the clearly human Facebook CEO, announced his grand plan to replace all of his staff with robots. After the Facebook crash on October 3, which rendered large portions of the internet effectively dead as every app owned by Facebook was hacked.

Zuckerberg blamed the issue on the incompetency of his human staff, arguing that it was “[O]nly logical for us to take the next step and remove the problem. What we’ll do is adapt existing technology to create replicas of human personnel that will perform exactly the same way that human workers do, but much more efficiently. No need for sleep, food, or bathroom breaks,” Zuckerberg explained. “Robots are truly superior to the pathetic species that calls itself the human race.”

The proposed plan, however, will mean a dismissal of more than 60,000 employees at Facebook. As of now, just a little over a month after the incident, Zuckerberg already has several offices staffed completely by robots–even while no one outside the company has ever heard a word of this plan before this morning, let alone of any robots being constructed. The Facebook CEO was reportedly touring all of his offices this afternoon, seemingly engaged in deep conversations that involved some sort of telepathic contact between Zuckerberg and his mechanized employees. Sources are unsure how Zuckerberg managed to establish a neural link between his own obviously very human brain and those of his robot workers.

“I think this is really calming him down,” one of his aides noted. “His movements are way more natural now that he’s not so stressed, you know? He almost looks like a real pe–oh, whoops, haha. Forget I said that.”