NFL Executive Resigns Due to Scandal-Free Career

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Solaiman Hassanin ‘23

Apologetic, Luke Atmyass cleaned out his office for the last time. After nearly four decades, he will no longer be serving as an NFL executive. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement condemning Atmyass, saying that the NFL “apologized to all those affected.” 

“I don’t want to bring any extra honor to this repulsive organization,” commented the deflated Atmyass in an address released by his publicist. 

Notable figures around the sports world have expressed their shock at Atmyass’s nobility. “What a jerk,” said Paul Twocock, who worked with Atmyass for 12 years. “The guys acted perfectly normal all the time.” 

For many, the NFL’s surface apologies are not enough. Now, activists and fans alike are joining hands and demanding deeper change, once and for all. “Atmyass took the bullet, but he sure isn’t the only one!” exclaimed Twitter user Moe Lester. “The honor problem at the NFL has been clear for years, years! The only one oblivious to the problem is Goodell himself, and they have to know that they cannot get away with this forever!”

Their concerns are not misplaced. A decade ago, the league hardly went a couple of years without a murder scandal. Now, coaches using homophobic slurs make headlines. There are real concerns that too many NFL employees lack scandals, and that frustration has been expressed recently through various forums. “This generation is just not built the same; I almost don’t recognize my sport! People don’t understand how frustrating it is to watch everything you love disintegrate!” expressed a frustrated Willie Stroker, an NFL insider. 

The NFL itself has recently tried to turn back the clock, and senior leadership in the league hopes Atmyass’s dismissal will signal a new chapter in American football history. There is a growing sense of hope inside the league that there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel, showing the league a hopeful future full of promising tribulations.

According to Jack Hoff, a league administrator, the league offices are working non-stop to fix the situation, emphasizing the importance of patience and perseverance. 

Other anonymous sources are, to say the least, less optimistic. Many on social media expressed doubt over the NFL’s statements, saying they are empty words, and that no action will be taken. Last week, the NFL’s social media page was flooded with disenfranchised fans. Some said that they would boycott the league until change happens, while others suggested that a boycott would not be effective. 

Still, the NFL has ensured that the league is not in danger, stressing that the reaction was bloated and did not reflect reality. They insist that the league continues to top tv ratings, and confirm that 31 out of 32 teams have stable attendance, with the Washington Football team as the only outlier. According to the league office,  that shows all 31 professional franchises in good shape. As for what comes next, not many can predict.