HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

Biden Surprised At Taliban Discourtesy

“[O]ur 20-year military presence in Afghanistan has ended,” the 45th U.S. president said in a press conference the other day. “And I just can’t believe the Taliban would be so rude as to take over the government right away. They could have at least waited for all of us to leave, you know?” 

When asked for clarification, Biden elaborated. “We spent twenty godd*mn years there. It’s not our fault a dangerously radical group of insurgents took over the country that America left economically and politically unstable!” Responding to a question about the Americans left behind, as well as all the Afghans in danger of being killed by the Taliban, Biden’s response moved many to tears with his empathy. “Oh, it’s okay. Besides, we killed way more than that in the drone strikes. Just ask Obama. Anyway, back to my earlier point, it was super rude of the Taliban to invade straightaway. Like, maybe the Afghan people could have used a few days of total anarchy before they’re forced into another military regime. You know, a quick breather.”

The Taliban leaders have a different view. Hibatullah Akhundzada, their leader, seemed downright irritated with Biden for his decision to leave. “Irresponsible, is what it was. Now, instead of having fun, you know, performing mass executions and abusing women, we have to actually govern. And forget about spreading fear and panic to the rest of the world–if the Americans don’t even care, then why would anyone else?”

“We already ruined their economy and wasted trillions of dollars on a twenty-year war,” Biden said with a chuckle. “All I can say is whatever happens next, it’s not my fault and I’m not responsible.”

The Dark Ritual: AP College Board Uncovered

Some 1.21 million students across the country are enrolled in one or more AP classes. How many of those same students have heard their teachers vow darkly that they will ‘crack the test?’ How many of these students have heard their teachers, in a most ironic tone (and for lack of much more vulgar language), say, ‘those devils at College Board’?

In a meeting held by the College Board, the announcement promising that ‘all would be revealed,’ 400 paralyzed students, parents, and teachers packed into one auditorium to hear those detested College Board educators speak, ostensibly to reveal their sinister designs. The meeting went well until one irate parent threw an eraser at the head of College Board, calling him, as so many have heard, “an unreliable devil.”

College Board president David Coleman reportedly shrugged his shoulders. “Okay. You got me,” Coleman said. It was at that pivotal moment that he reached behind his head and unzipped his skin suit. Gasps and screams rose from the audience as the rest of the College Board administration did the same, and as the limp, discarded sacks of imitation flesh fell to the floor, a most horrific sight was revealed. 

“It’s Satan,” one attendee reportedly gasped upon his departure from the scene. Attendees have described Coleman, or Lucifer, as appearing to be a malevolent presence with no apparent physical form.

“It felt evil,” said one teacher with a shudder. “Like when you wake up and see your sleep paralysis demon, or when you feel something cold on your neck, or when a Republican enters your immediate vicinity.” In any case, Coleman, after several minutes of ceaseless maniacal laughter, exited the room. “If nails on a chalkboard and Boris Johnson’s speaking voice had a child,” one traumatized parent attendee said.

At press time, the AP English team at Sherwood was seen huddling in the Little Theater, lighting a ring of black candles and chanting in ominous tones as a large amount of red liquid that may or may not have been human blood was poured over a stack of College Board prep books and then set alight. We can only hope that Satan will accept their sacrifice and have mercy upon us writhing mortals. Hail to the Lords of Darkness!