HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This cartoon is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Ella Scher ’23
New York governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly facing backlash for what many have called “outrageous, horrible acts of disgusting untruth.”
In a press conference Sunday, the soon-to-be-former governor broke down and cried, expressing his deepest sympathies to the people of New York for his decade of deception.
“I was never … I was never your governor. It was all a scam, all a lie,” Cuomo sobbed, before ripping open his coat and exposing to the public that he was actually three weasels in a trench coat.
The weasels, named Moe, Larry, and Curly, are going on trial Friday, on charges of sexual assault and data falsification. After the second weasel, Larry, the one controlling the arms, groped one of the governor’s aides, other staff have come forward to speak about the years they’ve suffered in silence. “It was horrible. Did you know weasels shed twice a year? We had to vacuum … all that hair. All that damn hair,” one said. “And you know Moe, he’s the brains of the whole outfit; well, his plan for all the nursing home Covid deaths was to give us all guns and have us go shoot them ourselves. He called it mercy. Mercy!”
The weasels are also facing enormous backlash from the people of both New York and the entire United States for their political crimes. Ethicists analyzing the situation have called the weasels’ conduct ‘egregious.’ The first misstep was forcing nursing homes to take in Covid-19 positive patients to ease the overflow in hospitals. The second was hiding the data on those deaths. “Look, if it were a human … man, there’s people who have done way worse, said an ethicist at Columbia University who was too frightened to give his name.But it was weasels. Freakin’ weasels, man. I hate New York.”
At the time of the press conference, the weasels formerly known as Andrew Cuomo had only a few last comments to make. It is unclear whether they will be resigning. As his trenchcoat slid to the ground, the crowd watched in stupefied silence as the weasels began to fight amongst themselves. After a few minutes, one of them, later identified as Curly, made his way to the podium. “I just want to say, to the people of New York, that you all are dumb as hell. Like, you are literally so dumb, and your grandparents deserved to die, because they’re weak little monkeys who couldn’t stomach a little global pandemic.”
The Cuomo family is at this time refusing to speak to the press; unclear if the weasels have brainwashed them or if they are simply unwilling to admit that a trio of weasels has been acting as the eldest son of their family for lord knows how long.
At press time, a desperate outgoing message from the weasels was confiscated: addressed to their cousins, it seems that a similar trio of weasels is occupying the body of Tom Brady.
He was unavailable for comment.