HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Jackson Hongtong ’21
Breaking news: It was reported by TMZ that the source of the Coronavirus that is spreading around the world is from the beer, Corona Extra.
As ears around the world heard the news, cities and towns slowly started to come alive, with people freaking out on social media and yelling to their neighbors about this unfortunate news. “I just drank a 6-pack last night!” claims John Willaims, a man who recently checked himself into the emergency room this morning saying he had symptoms of the virus, including a fever and having trouble breathing.
Millions of people also began to check themselves in. Sources say some people who came into these hospitals drank a corona or two recently, while some people came in because they drank a corona over five years prior. Chaos in the hospitals were very hard to control and soon they began to run out of room for all of the “severely” sick patients. Some rooms had multiple people in the room to be diagnosed and seek help from the doctors who were scrambling.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before” said Dr. Veronica Smith, a local doctor from Texas, a place where the entire city has gone into shock. “It’s like the virus infected everyone that has skin! We have no clue what is causing this and we also don’t even know what is wrong with the people; they look fine and we cannot find any symptoms they are complaining about.”
Another unfortunate occurrence that began following this announcement was the breaking of laws. People thought they were soon to be dead, and they began robbing stores, banks, and people on the street. Old ladies purses were stolen and any candy babies had were taken. It was the closest thing to a purge that anyone has ever seen.
As the world was in shock, all eyes eventually turned to the target at hand: Corona Extra. People in the streets who were affected turned to the liquor stores, breaking in and destroying all the Coronas the store had to offer. People who had Corona at their homes started to throw them away and disinfect where the beer was, trying to avoid the inevitable. Corona then came out with the following statement:
“We are very concerned here at Corona Extra. We deny any allegations of our beverage containing the Coronavirus. The name is just a coincidence.”
In the midst of the havok, TMZ then released another breaking news story: “We would like to apologize for the recent news story that was released less than 24 hours ago. Our source was wrong.”