HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Carlee Malone ‘20
It’s everywhere in the news: “Confronting New Climate Realities” and “Climate Emergency: A Humanitarian Call to Action.” Climate change is a pressing issue, with voices on many sides arguing about its validity and relevance. However, the science is undeniable. It is happening.
In fact, some climate deniers are coming around–but not how you’d expect. Many are embracing rising temperatures with enthusiasm about what a carbon-filled future will bring.
“At first, when I heard all those random people talking about Earth changing or whatever, I was confused because sometimes I can’t go outside without wearing a jacket,” said previous climate denier and local Iggy Azalea superfan Barb Smeelie. “Plus, it snowed last winter. It didn’t make sense that so-called ‘scientists’ were saying that it was warm everywhere.”
But, upon seeing a comment by “puppylovr69” on a forum about feathered hair extensions that read “climate change sux:/,” she had a moment of epiphany.
“Puppylovr brought me to reality. It’s happening. But, why is everyone so stressed about supposed ‘pressing concerns’ brought up by environmentalists? Who cares about ‘devastating flooding and heatwaves’ or ‘ecosystem collapse?’ I love warm weather! We’ll be better off now that our climate is finally getting warmer.”
Smeelie isn’t alone in thinking this way. Many are beginning to not think of climate change as a threat to humanity, but rather a valuable commodity that will ultimately improve society.
In response to the growing popularity, self-proclaimed science expert Mickey Jenkins quit his job as a freelance DJ and part-time Waffle House employee to found an organization spearheading the new pro-climate change movement: Civilians Rooting for Increased Need for Greenhouse Emissions (CRINGE). A conversation with Jenkins, the CRINGE founder and president, elucidates the logic behind these self-proclaimed “pro-warmers”.
“Anyone who has stepped outside for 0.02 seconds recently understands how unbearable it is to be outside in the cold. In this great country, we shouldn’t have to suffer ‘coldness,’” Jenkins said. “Winter is the middle child of seasons. It ruins Christmas. But, if we keep using those greenhouse gases, we’re sure to have a cold-free winter. Plus, everyone always talks about how plants need carbon dioxide and that more plants are better. So, really, all this carbon dioxide must help the planet.”
The movement isn’t one-sided, but rather appears to be a multi-faceted campaign that brings to attention many pressing issues that a changing climate would resolve.
“Florida, which we all know is a glorified dump for unwanted elderly folks and invasive reptiles, is obviously problematic. Imagine a country without Florida. That’s the type of country we’d have after rising sea levels swallow that state whole,” Jenkins said. “We want to say goodbye to headlines like ‘Florida Man Bites Off Neighbor’s Ear Because He Wouldn’t Give Him a Cigarette’ and ‘Florida Man Surprised to Learn Mannequin is Actually Dead Body.’”
Even recognized celebrities are joining the movement. Critically-acclaimed entrepreneur and television personality Paris Hilton is very openly a pro-warmer, with her official position on climate change publicized as “that’s pretty hot.”
Yeah, Paris, it is hot. A hot, trending perspective that is beginning to give some people unconventional hope about the future.