HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Matt Rosenthal ‘22

Sophomore Alex Johnson wants his first car to be a truck. However, Johnson’s family is an environmentally friendly family. They use solar panels, collect rainwater, compost trash, and only drive electric vehicles. A big gas-guzzling truck will never fly in a family that thinks globally and acts locally. With the recent release of the Tesla Cybertruck, Johnson’s wish to get a truck may come true.

Johnson recently turned 16 and would like to get a car of his own. While he will not receive the truck for two years due to Tesla’s decision to delay the release of the Cybertruck, Johnson still can have the vehicle by the time he graduates. “The truck is cool,” said Johnson, sounding as if he is still trying to convince himself. “It’s an electric truck that has indestructible body panels and windows. It doesn’t get any cooler than that.”

His friends disagree. “To put it nicely, the Cybertruck looks like the secret love child of a Delorean and a Pontiac Aztek that was kept hidden in a closet for the first five years of its life,” explained sophomore Michael Goldberg, who added he does not intend to ride in Johnson’s Cybertruck.

Already, Johnson is questioning his decision. He has always dreamed of cruising into the Sherwood parking lot in a big truck, but he increasingly ponders how other students will view the Cybertruck. “It’s a cardboard box spray painted silver that got its wish to be a truck,” admitted Johnson. “It won’t have windows that won’t have any of the cool things it debuted with. Why? I just want a Model 3 now.”

And just like that, from wanting the ugliest car since the Pontiac Aztek, to not wanting it all. Johnson has officially lost all faith in the truck less aerodynamic than a cow and wants a Model 3 instead, which when he turns 18, can have two weeks after ordering it.