Humor: Ranking Sherwood’s Water Fountains

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Jenna Bloom ’21

H2O. Agua. Dihydrogen Monoxide (shout out to Honors Chemistry for that one). Water. We need it to survive, we need water. Luckily, our heart and home of Sherwood has just the solution to our need for this liquid: water fountains.

Now, the water fountain debate is a hot topic for the students of Sherwood. What’s the best one? How do we even decide the best one? Smoothest water? Temperature? Does it have one of those cool filler upper things?

I am here to resolve all further debates, and if you keep reading I will crown the best water fountain that Sherwood has to offer. That’s right. One lucky water fountain will win the title of Superior Water Fountain. This is a big deal, and I can’t award a big title like this all by myself, so I conducted a survey of some Sherwood students to find out their opinions as well.

First we’ll begin with some students who dismiss the idea of water fountains all together. For example, junior Tiani Thorne doesn’t drink from water fountains because “germs [insert sick emoji].” Senior Lauren Loebach commented, “I don’t use water fountains because I’m scared.” Finally, junior Kate Nazarro felt extremely passionate on the issue. She said, “All water fountains are disgusting and should never be used unless there’s an emergency … all of them are gross.” Way to express yourself, Kate!
Now we’ll be getting down to the real nitty gritty, the reason we’re all here today. What is the best water fountain at Sherwood?

The most controversial water fountain in the school is the one in the upstairs G-hall, right next to Señora Bloom’s classroom (hi mom!). Although it has a water bottle filler and is conveniently placed in a crowded hallway, it is always warm and sometimes broken. Senior Anna Squiers said its water was “smooth,” while junior Zoe Rubin said it “tastes like soil.” In my opinion, that water fountain is simply unreliable and not trustworthy enough to be crowned the winner. Plus, junior Amanda Lo said that the water fountain bleached her desk once! This could be a warning to be careful of the G-hall water fountain; you never know what surprises it’s holding.

The lower F-hall was the most popular answer for best water fountain. It’s always cold (because of something photography-related), and lowkey enough so it isn’t overused. Some students say it “slaps,” while others say it “tastes like grass.” Personally, I have never had a problem with that water fountain. It feels like I’m drinking from a straight mountain stream. So refreshing.

I didn’t see anything too special from the water fountain by the main office, but it does have a water bottle filler. I rank this one at a 6.78/10. It’s reliable, but not outstanding.
While we’re on the topic, students seem to place a large importance on the convenience of their water fountains. When asked about her opinion on water fountains that didn’t have a fill sensor, senior Marne Malone said, “What is this, the 1800s?!?!”

Some water fountains aren’t popular enough for a whole review, but I’ll be going over some honorable mentions. “The upper H-hall water fountain tastes like a nickel,” said junior Irma Juarez. Senior Jamie Connors said that the water that came out of the water fountain by the cafeteria was white, which is definitely a red (or white?) flag. Senior Annabelle Kahn was very passionate on the water fountains in the K-hall, saying they are “SO COLD AND ICY FRESH AND CLOSE TO THE GYM.”

Clearly, our student body is divided with many opinions from many different people. I see and respect their views, but I also understand that there has to be a winner. After extensive research, and countless interviews and conversations, I have decided that the downstairs F-hall water fountain is the best one at Sherwood. It’s not that difficult to tilt a water bottle to fill it up, and cold refreshing water will always reign superior than any other factor.