Come In From the Cold, Comrade Santa

Russian interference in the 2018 Christmas has brought forth theories of Santa’s political leanings

by Russell Irons ‘19

 It’s getting to be that time of year, a joyous season of giving gifts and practicing many other holiday traditions. Alas, all is not well. Santa Claus is an agent of the Kremlin and a threat to the American people. Every winter he wages a new Cold War and works to spread the evil of communism throughout the lands of freedom and democracy. The gin blossom from excessive amounts of vodka and merry demeanor hide Santa’s true nature.

 Santa Claus proudly sports the red of the communist party, and dresses in heavy fur jackets to brave the harsh Russian winters. Santa’s reindeer are also Russian nationals, as reindeer can be found in abundance in the taiga of Siberia. Santa even sports facial hair that would make the likes of Joseph Stalin and Karl Marx jealous.

 Appearances aside, Santa’s ideologies also fall in line with those of the communist party. No entrepreneurial capitalist would go around giving free gifts to people of every economic and social class. Much like Stalin’s government took grain from farmers, Santa demands cookies from every house he invades. Santa’s toys don’t grow on trees, he operates a gulag, or forced labor camp, and makes elves do his bidding.

 He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. Are these words from George Orwell’s “1984”? Good guess, but no. Much like Big Brother, Santa sees and hears all through surveillance, and keeps a list of those who conform as well as a list of dissidents. Those who conform are rewarded with gifts, while those who aren’t subservient are punished with coal. From a young age, children are conditioned to be loyal to their supreme and all-knowing overlord, Santa.

 “All year long, I have to keep on my toes,” said an anonymous 5 year old. “Any act of civil disobedience is met with harsh rhetoric and threats of a giftless Christmas. It’s like Santa’s peering over my shoulder, watching my every move.”

 One might wonder how Santa delivers gifts everywhere without setting off house alarms or getting spotted. That level of training and prowess could only come from one source: the Federal Security Service. The FSA (formely the KGB) is the Russian security agency, unmatched in its spying and espionage tactics. In return for such skills, Santa feeds them intel from his stealth flyovers of U.S. soil. He is no mere Christmas tradition. Every year American sovereignty is infringed by the communists and their agent Santa Claus.