Sherwood Purge Boosts Student Behavior

by Russell Irons ‘19

“Good morning, Sherwood family! This is not a drill. This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the first annual ‘Purge’ sanctioned by the Sherwood administration. Commencing the bell, all infractions, including open lunch, will be legal during fifth period. Security and emergency medical services will be unavailable until sixth period at 11:59 a.m., when The Purge concludes.”

As of this year, Sherwood adopted a purge to take place on October 31. During fifth period, all infractions will be overlooked. The administration hopes this break of protocol will yield less misbehavior from students over the course of the year, and aid their overall efforts to crack down on misconduct.

Many of the staff were caught off guard by this announcement. They shared a general sense of excitement about this opportunity to let out some steam.

“I’m tired of MCPS policy. I’m giving out pop unit tests and taking the lower of the two grades on retakes,” said Mr. Kinnetz, who asked to remain anonymous.

The demographic most affected by the changes is the roving juvenile delinquent gang known as the vapors.

“I won’t have to hide in the bathroom dodging security.

At long last we are free to vape wherever we choose,” said an anonymous sophomore. “It’ll be cloudy with a chance of mango.” Some students also intend to turn the courtyards into designated vape areas. The fire department has been told to expect a large cloud of vapor coming from the school, and not to respond to it.

The ‘Purge’ also means an open lunch. A mass exodus of upperclassmen to various popular restaurants will undoubtedly make the school less crowded, especially when they don’t come back for sixth period.

No rules means the return of the mythic bathroom parties. Charging down the hallway, chanting, and destruction of the bathroom were all trademarks of this most sacred Sherwood ritual, much to the chagrin of staff.

“The last bathroom party was back in ‘15. I vividly remember the screams of those caught in the horde. The ceiling panels of the bathroom fell in and a urinal was broken in the chaos. Ah, the good old days,” said senior Harry Zou, as he wiped a tear from his eye.