by Jared Schwartz ‘18
The Warrior is in a dire situation with the imminent graduation of the Class of 2018, as all of the funny people will soon be gone. It is unclear how the Humor section will survive once anyone with any sense of humor whatsoever has left. The bleak future for the Humor section is not good for The Warrior as a whole, as the Humor section is the only section worth reading. After all, only nerds actually read the news.
Most of all, the Humor section will most miss its former editor, Jared Schwartz. In addition to making amazing professional-grade photoshops for the Humor section, Schwartz frequently contributed articles to the humor section because he was too lazy to actually do research to write a real news article. Josh Averbach also regularly contributed to the humor section, but his articles were not nearly as funny as Schwartz’s.
The demise of the Humor section is also the primary reason Principal Bill Gregory decided to retire at the end of this school year. “If the Humor section isn’t funny anymore, then there literally isn’t any point in trying to save this school,” said Gregory. “I have failed as a principal and I cannot continue to be reminded of my shame.”
As his final act as principal, Gregory plans to cut all funding to The Warrior. Newspaper teacher Peter Huck was heard angrily grumbling about how The Warrior barely received any school funding anyways while taking a walk in the hallway.
From now on, The Warrior will primarily be funded by selling the personal data collected from all 17 students who visit thewarrioronline.com (did you know we have a website? You should really check it out at www. thewarrioronline.com).
In the end, the Humor section will live (probably). If you are a non-senior and you think you’re funny, try checking out newspaper. You are the future of Sherwood High School, and together you can make the Humor section great again (just not as great as it once was).