Humor: Students Become Glued to Phones, Literally

by Noah Corman ’19

Many adults and parents, especially those of older generations, have said that kids and teenagers spend too much time on their phones. They have even joked that kids are glued to their phones, but that joke is now a reality.

Teachers reportedly exhausted themselves trying to tell students to get off their devices, so they slackened their classroom rules on phone use. This had disastrous effects, resulting in most students suffering from their phones being glued to their eyes. With their phones entirely blocking their line of sight, students are having increasing difficulty seeing. More importantly, however, they cannot access their devices.

“This, like, sucks man,” said junior Jack Martin, a disgruntled victim of the school-wide epidemic.

Although initially alarmed by phones being stuck to students’ eyeballs, the teaching staff actually considers this a refreshing change. The decrease in phone use is being lauded as a silver lining.

“Sure, the majority of our student body is now legally blind, but let’s look at the upside. More students are paying attention in class than ever, and cheating has seemed to drop precipitously,” said one anonymous teacher who did not want to come across as insensitive.

Statistics show that the teachers’ observations are right. Cheating has been completely eliminated, and a poll of students has shown that 90 percent of those surveyed said they were so bored that they may actually start paying attention in class.

Shortly after the incident, the demand for accommodations increased tenfold. The Montgomery County Accommodations Board has denied all accommodations for the time being, citing that this seems to be beneficial to student learning.

“This shocking event is of the utmost concern to us, but there is no immediate need to take action. I’ll keep an eye on the situation,” said Patrick Warren, Director of the Accommodations Board (DAB).

Many students are furious with the lack of action from the DAB. Wielding ultimate control over accommodations, the DAB may decide these students’ futures. Nobody could have foreseen the DAB having such an impact on their lives.

When asked about the phone dilemma, senior Sean Hunt said, “I can’t see anything, which blows, but the worst part is that I don’t think I’ll be able to save my streaks.”