Humor: Olney and Brookeville Start World War 3

by Jared Schwartz ‘18

An international crisis has recently developed over escalating tensions between the towns of Olney and Brookeville. Many Brookevillians are calling for autonomy from Olney’s tyranny.

It remains unclear how Olney in any way has control over Brookeville, as Olney is an unincorporated town with no formal government. Still, Brookeville’s three town commissioners have voted to unilaterally declare independence from the greater Olney area and establish their own sovereignty. In order to accomplish this, the Brookevillian government has designed a plan to dig the entire town of Brookeville out of the Earth, attach rockets to it, and fly it somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.

The core issue of the conflict seems to be one of relevancy. Many Brookevillians have expressed ire at the fact that Olney is objectively more relevant than Brookeville.

“It’s just not fair! How can Olney claim to be more relevant than Brookeville?! We were capital for a day!” cried Brookeville resident, Edward Lubbers, desperately clinging to a historical event that occurred 200 years ago to feel secure in his town’s relevancy.

A loose confederation of Olney Home Owners Associations have decided to launch an offensive against the Brookeville independence movement. The coalition has taken several measures, including vandalizing street signs with pro-Olney propaganda and conducting drone strikes on the Brighton Dam, Sunshine Burger, and the Brookeville Beer Farm.

Montgomery County Executive Isiah Leggett gave an official statement on the crisis, saying, “Brookeville is an extremely valuable part of the Montgomery County community. Losing it would cost the county much in its tax— I mean culture and heritage.”

The U.S. Pentagon has drafted up a plan to begin funding “moderate rebels” in Brookeville in the hopes of establishing a regime friendlier to American interests. However, the plan was scrapped when it was discovered that Brookeville and Olney are in fact a part of the United States.

Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia and Iran have somehow found a reason to turn the crisis into a proxy-conflict, with the Iranians funneling arms to the Brookeville government, and the Saudis funding the Olney resistance.

When asked about the crisis, President Trump said that he has not ruled out the possibility of using a nuclear first-strike against Brookeville. When a reporter commented that the White House would be well within the range of the fallout of the nuclear attack, Trump responded, “wrong.”