Communism Is Cool Again

by Noah Corman ‘19

Increasing numbers of Americans’ political leanings have shifted towards communism. Drawn in by a link titled, “What economic system are you?” test-takers nearly crashed BuzzFeed’s servers with their eagerness and political curiosity. The single-question test asked people whether they enjoy free stuff. After confirming everyone’s love for complimentary items, BuzzFeed’s complicated algorithm identified the vast majority of test-takers as aspiring communists.

“I am not surprised by the sharp shift in political allegiances. The American people have become increasingly dissatisfied with the government and the two major political parties,” said John McNeil, professor of economics at Dartmouth. “The bright side of communism is that everyone gets some free stuff. The potential downside is that the country will likely collapse and take decades to recover.”

After years of opposition to the economic system most known for its role in the USSR and People’s Republic of China, the American people made an important distinction. Communism actually does not denote oppression, godless heathens, or Russia. Americans have finally envisioned what they believe is true communism. They know that communism actually gives citizens free swag with no economic repercussions.

As for the tens of millions of people who died under Joseph Stalin’s rule during the mid-20th century, most Americans displayed either indifference or ignorance to historical events that expose communism’s potential drawbacks.

“Millions of people died during a communist regime?” questioned Laura Wright, Chief of BuzzFeed’s Test Results Analysis Council, after learning of Stalin’s brutal reign. “Well, that wasn’t true communism; like, where’s the free swag?”

In an attempt to stamp out the recent excitement over communism, democratic and republican congressional representatives alike have taken a firm stance against it. They claimed it does not present an viable plan for economic growth. They also stated that giving away free items runs counter to capitalism, which gives citizens an avenue to achieving the American dream.

“I have a degree in economics, so I know for a fact that it’s a terrible idea. The only thing that the government should be providing our citizens is life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” said Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives. “But not healthcare.”

In spite of many prominent American figures openly opposing communism, it continues to gain new supporters.

“Capitalism just doesn’t give me enough free swag. I need some new Supreme gear, and the government is not pulling through. I can’t even remember the last time they gave me anything free,” said Jordan Franklin, beneficiary of food stamps, Obamacare, public schooling, and government-legalized marijuana.

Some well-known political figures, eager to use the sudden passion to their advantage, plan to include communist ideals in their platforms. Hoping to please their constituency, some are openly supporting communist values.

“Communism has some excellent ideas regarding the principles of government and the economy. I support the complete overthrow of the existing government,” said Steve Bannon, ex-Chief White House Strategist, sporting a fresh tattoo of Karl Marx on his forehead.